Anxious yet again

Last night was rough. After a day of resting but also feeling pretty weak and crappy, the topic of figuring out where we are going to live in a MONTH crossed my mind. I of course  looked to my parents for help and advice, and of course got no help whatsoever and found that they just made the situation much worse. So I had a slight panic attack, and handled the situation in a way that I’m not supposed to: by freakin the freak out. I panicked… I panicked because I truly have no clue where I am going to live this summer. I also don’t know if I’m just living with my roommate as planned, or if we are going to live with more people. I want to live in the moment and not stress, I want to live life freely and just go with whatever happens. But being dependent financially on my dad is making that really difficult. I know that I’m so lucky to have someone who has been so supportive financially, and who had given me the life I live. But I now feel in debted to him somehow. It’s frustrating. He has control and I’d like 100% control of my life. If anybody who’s in this weird in between part of their life, please help me out. Maybe we can relate together and understand eachother’s confusion and difficulty. Being a young adult is fun but so confusing. 

Chemistry and awkwardness

Okay so I just want to clarify that I am not one of those girls who pines for anyone. I actually find myself getting irritated with women or men who sit there and make their love life their one and only priority. I am completely content with being alone. 

However, my friend and I had a conversation today that I feel is necessary to share with the world. I am terrified of falling for somebody. I completely shut down when the opportunity comes around. I love the chase, but when I realize there is a mutual attraction there, I feel unsatisfied. I really believe that if I were to be single for my entire life, I’d be okay. But, that’s not what I consider an ideal lifestyle. I used to be terrified of being alone, now I’m too comfortable with it. I don’t think too much into guys anymore, but when I do.. I think nonstop about it. So, I’ve put walls up in order to protect myself. I have no idea what I want. Sometimes I want casual relationships, sometimes I want serious ones, and sometimes I don’t want anybody. When I start crushing on someone, it doesn’t go much farther than one hang out or a couple nice texts and conversations. 

I don’t know how to do this whole dating thing. I don’t have the courage to make the first move, and usually guys don’t care enough to make one either. No effort is put into anything anymore. 

I am in a predicament, and I just needed to share it. 

“The best years of your life”

How many times have you been told “these are the best years of your life”?  20 years old, I just turned 20 years old.  Which means I am on the second decade of my life.  It’s this weird in between age where you are technically an adult, but you still have to listen to authority, you are still told what to do.  20:  you can’t legally drink, but you can be in charge of your taxes, pay for rent, work a dead end job, have serious responsibilities.  We have so much freedom but at the same time not at all.  We don’t have enough money to make serious investments or go out on a limb and buy that television or computer we’ve always wanted.  We do, however, have enough money to get by.  We are old enough to date around, but we are much too young to get married.  It’s this amazing time in our lives where we have this new sense of freedom, but then again we have a lot of limits.  We feel invincible but we have to also take life very seriously.  Life is just weird.  But I suppose this is a good time in our lives to find ourselves, to practice the life we want to live down the road.  To learn what we want from friends, family, people in general.  This is such a fun time, but a time to learn.  To make mistakes, but learn from all of them. A time to figure our shit out but to also relax and enjoy freedom.